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May. 31st, 2009

(no subject)

(So I am starting ABC, well, three hours ago officially.
When I wake up, if I sleep, that is, I will start.
I'm thinking I'll use the "I don't feel very well" excuse, haven't used that in almost a month now.
That will buy me some time to figure it all out.
So, stay online until six, then maybe go to bed, wake up at 2 i suppose. Help my brother study from 2:30 - 4:30 take an hours break, study with him again from 5:30 - 7:30.
I'm really debating whether or not I will be able to do this.
I will try really hard.
Only problem is that I don't really care enough to try.
But yeah.. Here's the plan :

Week one (sunday morning - saturday night) - No dairy products (includes chocolate)
Week two (sunday morning - saturday night) - No meat / Dairy products
Week three (sunday morning - saturday night) - No bread / meat / Dairy products
Week four (sunday morning - saturday night) - No sugar / bread / meat / Dairy products
Week five (sunday morning - saturday night) - No pasta / sugar / bread / meat / Dairy products
Week six (sunday morning - saturday night) - No potatoe / pasta / sugar / bread / meat / Dairy products
Wees seven (sunday morning - saturday night) - Fruit and vegetables only (SOUP).

Rules:

1. Stay under daily allowance of calories by at least 15, just to be safe.
2. Jog at leat half an hour every day.
3. Walk at least two miles every day.
4. Ice bath every evening.
5. Drink 8 glasses of cold water daily.
6. Only weigh once a week.
7. Hungry? Jog, walk, crunches, clean, clean, CLEAN.
8. Do dishes twice a day. Clean the bathroom evey morning (breakfast time) clean house from top to bottom at least four times a week.
9. Clean bedroom properly every two days.
10. Eat in front of people.
11. One bottle of diet coke every week.

I AM GOING TO BE THIN. I AM GOING TO BE PERFECT, WHATEVER THE COST. I CAN DO THIS.


                      (-Ireallywanttobehappysoi'mdoingthisformenotforthemandiwilldothisandimeanitthistimeicandothisicannotleteveryoneelsedown-)

'Ye oule' ABC.

1. 500
2. 500
3. 300
4. 400
5. 100
6. 200
7. 300
8. 400
9. 500
10. 0
11. 150
12. 200
13. 400
14. 350
15. 250
16. 200
17. 0
18. 200
29. 100
20. 0
21. 300
22. 250
23. 200
24.150
25. 100
26. 50
27. 100
28. 200
29. 200
30. 300
31. 800
32. 0
33. 250
34. 350
35. 450
36. 0
37. 500
38. 450
39. 400
40. 350
41. 300
42. 250
43. 200
44. 200
45. 250
46. 200
47. 300
48. 200
49. 150
50. 0


(-psireallyreallyreallyreallyreallyneedacigaretteandireallyneedtopeeee-)

May. 29th, 2009

No, I'm not okay, No I'm not alright. I'm hiding behind a smile..

I was thinking..
About things. Living and my meaning on this planet. I got some really good advice.
"the point really isn't to fight to win, Its to just to fight, and make the fight your own"
<3

xXx

I haven't updated my journal since August, right?
I got a new journal.. I wanted a fresh started. So I turned away without looking back.
But, I realised that I miss this journal, this is the real me, not who I'm supposed to be. So I'm back.. For good.
Man, I've missed this!
So, almost a month ago, I promised mycousin to stop purging, the voice has been really demanding and pushing me, but I managed to stick it out so far. The other voice is getting stronger, the voice telling me what to do, what to eat, what to say. It's getting stronger and I'm starting to give in again. WOAH. I never thought I'd be able to say that again.. But I think I'm okay with it. It's a weird comfort for me. I dunno. I guess, I need it.



"Story of a girl who lost her world so she could be beautiful..1,2,3,4
Fifteen, so sweet, you'd think but she's got a secret,
Made up her mind the day she came to find out he'd left.
I guess there's another girl this time blue eyes, blonde hair,
She'll do anything to catch his eye, but she knows she'll never compare,
Skips school, won't eat, can barely sleep, takes drastic measures,
Runs seven miles a day in the sun wearing a sweater.
She turns the radio on so no one knows what she's doing
'Cause she's convinced herself he'll come back to her when she's perfect

She's just a girl who doesn't know that she's already beautiful,
One year ago when you'd have seen her you would never know,
This would be her only out for every time she's broken down and hates herself,
For everything that's wrong in life looks in the mirror to criticize,
She'd rather be beautiful than alive.."

PS: I MISS ME...xx

Sep. 28th, 2008

I'm baaack :D


Hey :)
So, I haven't been on this is a long time, and for a good reason. I've been trying to get better, by that I mean, with school and everything I thought it would be better if I had a healthy relationship with food. Then last week I got hospitalised (not for my weight :P) because I had an asthma attack, and you know what it's like in the hospital? And how fattening and disgusting hospital food is? (it's seriously rottin), and I got my results, they werent great :S actually, I think I did pretty bad, I got 6 B's 4 C's and 1 D, my mom and dad were proud.. apparently, but after I got them I started thinking I wasn't good enough.. blah blah.. I haven't lost any weight, in fact, I've gained weight. I don't know what I weigh now, but I'll check later and let you know. So, anyway it's 2pm, sunday afternoon, I haven't eaten yet, I'm not sure if I will yet. I probably will though cause my mom's making dinner. :S Yeah, I'm gonna eat some dinner. Well, I better go then, I'll keep everyone updated :)
<3

Aug. 15th, 2008

ugh.

I hate everything
Almost everyone is getting on my nevers for no reason.
I need to lose loads of weight and I feel like I can't do it.
I feel like I could just die right now and no one would notice me gone.
ugh.

Aug. 11th, 2008

just something to remember<3..*

Head up gorgeous.

Some people would kill to see you fall..*

Aug. 6th, 2008

ordinary girl..

"To be like all the other girls, be just like all the other girls, living in an ordinary world, just to fit in in the ordinary world, just to fit in like an ordinary girl..."

Amazing line.

I hate wannarexics so much.

*really angry face*

:@

Aug. 4th, 2008

...

Okay, so I get it, some people are just never going to grow up.

There's so much going on right now, I don't even know how to explain any of it, it's confusing and I want everyone to just calm down. I don'tlike losing friends, and I don't like when people you trust become people who tell everyone everything.

I want so much for all of it to stop now, cause I have a lot to think about already and drama is just making it all too much to handle.

oh, and, anyone else getting really pissed off with wannarexics?

Jul. 23rd, 2008

ughhh!

  •  ugh..what's with all these girls on all of the ED communitys on this thing? I don't mean the ones who actually have eating disorders, they belong there :] Just the ones who join these communitys and post every so often saying "I need thinspo" or, "I think I'll go ana".. wtaf like? you can't just "go" ana.. and it's called anorexia, not ana. Those girls are looking for a quick result, and that's not what anorexia is, I wish they would understand that it's not something to be pushing yourself into.. It's horrible, and not only are you killing yourself, but once anorexia gets a grip on you, there's no going back..

    And I'm not saying this because I think those girls are stupid (Well , I do , but only for wanting to have an eating disorder.) But because I think someone needs to explain what they're getting themselves into..

    So here it goes, if you don't wanna read, just stop now.:]

    1. You'll get extremely paranoid, thinking that when people look at you all they are thinking is how fat you are.
    2. You stop seeing yourself as "beautiful" you see yourself as a PIG.
    3. You can't get a clear view of yourself in a mirror because every mirror is like one out of a kids fun house.
    4. You'll start to lose weight, a lot of weight.
    5. You'll STOP losing weight and hit a plateau, because your body goes into starvation mode.
    6. You'll lose weight again, but by then you'll probably have fainted a lot of times.
    7. You could be put in hospital for dehydration ( mainly bulimia ) 
    8. You'll feel so down about your looks that You wont care about anything else.
    9. You'll convince yourself that you're in control, but try stop now.. You can't, You have no control over your own body anymore.
    10.Your breath starts to smell really bad.
    11.Your hair starts to fall out, whole bunches of it (only in some cases)
    12.You will have times when your heart starts racing for no reason.
    13.You will eventually get to a stage where you are too depressed and exhausted to leave your own house.
    14.You'll make your parents cry themselves to sleep worrying.
    15.You'll stop hanging out with your friends because of food.. fear of eating out..
    16.You could even lose friends.
    17.By now, fainting will be a regular thing.
    18.For bulimics, your voice will go and your oseophagus will tear occassionally.
    19.If you cant get better on your own, you'll be hospitalised (with or without your consent)
    20.If all of the above continues for too long (except the hospital part) you could be left with long term side effects..
  • Tooth decay
  • Bleeding gums
  • Sight loss
  • Permanent vocal difficulties
  • Regular fainting
  • Fear of food
  • Fear of getting fat
  • Never being able to see YOURSELF, all you can see is this fat girl looking at you.

So I posted this because I have experience with all of the abpve symptoms, except permanent vocal difficulties, gum bleeding, tooth decay, and sight loss..

I'm sorry if this post offended anyone, that wasn't my intention..

I just want to show some people what this disease actually does to you..

So if you're gonna be nasty don't reply.

Jul. 14th, 2008

ughhh...
I don't think I can trust anyone anymore and it hurts really bad.
REALLY BAD.
I want to go on a fast but my mom always notices and gives out.
what do I tell her?
Help ?

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